eCourse — BDSM for Writers Advanced — Lesson 1

Once again, welcome to BDSM For Writers—Advanced.

I assume you have already taken The BASICS eCourse or has a strong understanding of BDSM and the Dominance and submission (D/s) lifestyle. To ensure we’re on the same page, I’ll briefly touch upon the basics of BDSM before we move on to the more advanced topics.

You will notice that I tend to refer to men as the submissive in many of my examples. This is based on my own personal preferences and identifications as a Dominant woman. I will try to ensure to vary the roles. However, feel free to change the pronouns around to suit your characters.

It’s imperative to understand that the dynamics of Dominant, Master/Mistress and the submissive/slave  applies to both heterosexual couples as well as same sex couples. Not all interactions are based on sexual activities.  In fact, the majority of D/s relationships are service based only and there is no sexual—and at times—no physical contact. It’s also not uncommon for a heterosexual Dominant to own a gay/lesbian submissive and vice versa.

Note: In order to simplify the discussions, I will use the term slave/submissive interchangeably unless a specific distinction is needed. However please note that slaves are considered a step apart and have a different mentality than submissives. Think in vanilla terms about the difference between a  boyfriend or girlfriend and a partner or spouse.

The term vanilla means anything that is not D/s. It is mainstream behavior and not BDSM in content.

A brief recap of the basics:
BDSM is an acronym which stands for Bondage, Disciple, and Sadomasochism. However within the lifestyle it’s accepted as an identifier for the power exchange and Dominance and submission relationships. There are various levels of BDSM, from the pleasure seeker who wants a little kink with his/her sex, to the adrenaline junkie (major pain slut a.k.a. heavy masochist) who wants to push himself as far as he can go.  (Think about this in vanilla terms as those extreme sports guys/gals). To those men and women who actually embrace Dominance and submission as a way of life; and even further, to those individuals who embrace a Master/slave relationships and live it 24/7.

Contrary to popular belief, BDSM is not merely about Whips and chains. In many instances, toys are never used as the individuals, both Dominant and submissive, are interested in “service” and a spiritual and/or emotional connection.

Setting limits and negotiations of what will be used (ie: Paddles, Whips, humiliation, sexual contact/penetration, etc) and what will be “done” to the submissive is acceptable for someone you’ve just meet (called pick-up play) or are learning to interact with. However, there are NO negotiations when someone is a slave or property and belongs to their Master or Mistress. At that point, their Owner decides what’s acceptable and what the slave or submissive will tolerate; which puts you in the realm of “consensual non-consensuality”.

Dominant:
The Giver.  This individual is in charge of the relationship. He or She sets the rules, safeguards their partner, administers training and correction as She/He deems appropriate and desirous in their personal relationship.  The Dominant also dictates and administers punishment for any violations of the rules and/or transgressions the submissive may be guilty of.  The Dominant is entrusted with the emotional and physical safety of the individual(s) they interact with.  The Dominant is responsible for establishing and reinforcing the protocols of the relationship.

Dominants tend to have an alpha personality and are used to being in charge both at work and within the relationship.  However you don’t need to be in a management position at work to qualify as a Dominant.

Note: a “Top” is not a Dominant but someone who’s taking on the “role” of a Dominant to please another.  The origin of the term “Top” comes from Gay community where one male is the one who penetrates the other.  The “bottom” is the one who received the anal penetration.  However over the past two to three decades, as the Leather community and the D/s community merged, the term “Top” has come to mean someone who will perform a dominant act on another.

Unlike popular misconceptions perpetuated by bad BDSM movies and books, Dominants aren’t the unfeeling emotionally distant bastards who greedily demand tremendous feats of submission from their submissives only to neglect the submissive’s efforts of service and toss a few gratuitous comments of appreciation here and there.  Neither does the Dominant, Master or Mistress yell and scream at their submissives to get them motivated like the Drill Sergeants in the old war movies or an overzealous aerobics instructor.  If you stop to think about it, anyone who has to yell and scream is actually showing a lack of control!

A major psychological difference between a Sadist and a Dominant is the fact that Sadists are turned on by inflicting physical pain and mental stressors, much more so than a Dominant and thus taking interactions to a higher emotional and physical level of torment.  Though most Dominants enjoy inflicting some levels of pain to their submissives or slaves, whether through use of a Flogger, a Spanking, a Whip or hundreds of various toys, Sadists create an intensity that would make your typical Dominant cautious.  It is the sadism itself which creates a sense of rightness and peace within the Sadist’s mind and body.

submissive:
The receiver.  This individual is the other half of the D/s relationship. He or she follows the rules and is of service to the Dominant.  The submissive role is not always sexual in nature.  The submissive may be merely providing service to the Dominant in some manner. For example: house cleaning, providing computer expert services, preparing meals, etc.  It is the submissive’s duty to obey and adhere to the dictates of his/her Master or Mistress.  The underlying premise is to be of service.  As a submissive, they typically have more liberties than a slave.

There’s a popular saying in the BDSM community that it’s harder to kneel than it is to stand and it takes more courage to be vulnerable than it does to remain in control. This is never more true than with a male submissive who is going against societal norms by surrendering to another—especially to a woman.  He is often viewed as less masculine or macho and the Dominant woman is accused of emasculating him. Yet, nothing is further from the truth!

For some slaves, the ability to serve is what brings peace to their lives. It is the feeling of total acceptance and acknowledgement they strive to gain in their lives and show their appreciation by working to the best of their ability, giving 150% every time, and anticipating the needs of their Master or Mistress. A soulful slave will typically correct his or her own behavior before it needs to be addressed by their Master or Mistress.  These types of slaves are a treasure to have and are well guarded once found.

To dispel some rampant misconceptions, not every slave/submissive is a doormat! Many are very strong, even dominant in their everyday vanilla interactions.  Most are in charge or supervise others and enjoy the ability to release their responsibilities and surrender to another individual they feel safe with.

This need for release is strong in both men and women and though not all interactions with their dominant are sexual in nature, I find that submissive women are used sexually more so than their male counterparts (especially in public).  This may be due to the physical dominance a woman excerpts over a man ensuring that he realizes that even his manhood belongs to Her and She’ll use it when and as She desires.  Also where male Dominants are more comfortable being sexual in public, female Dominants will limit sexual interactions in public.

Sexual submissive:
Though not all submissives or slaves are used sexually, the sexual submissive’s primary purpose is sexual interactions and sexual use by his or her Mistress or Master. However, whereas a submissive will defer the leadership role to their Dominant or be subservient to his or her Master and Mistress in all areas of the relationship, this dynamic is not true of the sexual submissive.

The sexual submissive is typically very dominant in his or her own right and often has an alpha personality in all areas of their lives and only relinquishes control in sexual matters and within “the bedroom” context. Outside amorous interactions, this individual is very opinionated and focused in what they want and will share with their partner and within their relationship.

The sexual submissive may also have very high masochistic tendencies , yet again, not necessarily submissive one’s outside the sexual realm. The easiest example I can provide of this is the general who goes out and leads his men into battle than gladly surrenders to his lover.  Then once again takes control of his life after that particular interaction is over. The sexual submissive may allow their partner to take the lead in the relationship, however, their relationship will be more of an equalitarian union than the typical D/s relationship.

Aftercare:
No discussion on BDSM is complete without discussing Aftercare. Aftercare is as important to the BDSM community as foreplay is to the vanilla community. Aftercare is what happens once the scene is over. Aftercare is often agreed upon during negotiations. It is typically the Dominant’s responsibility to provide aftercare for the submissive they interacted with or to make prior arrangements for it to be provided by another submissive or Dominant.

Aftercare can consist of holding the submissive/slave and reassuring him or her that they are still desired and accepted despite their behavior during the scene.  (A scene is what you call an interaction between the couple.) At times, depending on the intensity of the scene, the individual may feel a bit embarrassed or ashamed or have an emotional cathartic breakthrough and need emotional support.  .

Oftentimes, a Dominant will contact the submissive the following day to check in with him or her and ensure the submissive is doing alright or establish a check-in time frame for the submissive to contact the Dominant conveying they are alright and in good mental health.

Aftercare varies greatly between those individuals who are just playing or starting a new relationship and those that are in an established relationship. It may also vary depending on whether the submissive is a man or a woman.

Typically, it is the submissive who receives the aftercare; however a Dominant at times is also in need of it as well, whether it’s a back massage after a long flogging scene or reassurance after having pushed their submissive further than the Dominant felt comfortable doing. Aftercare for the Dominant is something that should be negotiated at the beginning of a scene if the individuals are not in a serious relationship.

Typically the Dominant is not provided service immediately after a scene unless the Dominant  has more than one submissive. This is not because the submissive is not willing to do so, but that in most cases the slave or submissive is physically or emotionally exhausted and are in what is called subspace.

The essential thing to keep in mind when writing about BDSM is to allow yourself to become what I like to call the Sensual Scientist. This is where you explore the mind—body connection for your characters. From the Dominant’s perspective it’s about allowing them to explore and derive sensual and sexual pleasure from what they do to their slave; thus exploring the physical and sexual aspects of control as well as pleasure and pain. From the submissive perspective, it’s about being of service and letting go of their inhibitions and fears in order to be vulnerable to and with another, surrendering all they are.

As you can see, the dynamics of the BDSM and D/s lifestyle is complicated and unique. I hope that as you create your characters, you will breathe this uniqueness into them.

If you did not take the eCourse BDSM for Writers – The Basics, I would encourage you to do so before going further into this eCourse to enable you to gain a greater understanding of the personalities and characteristics of the Dominant and submissive as well as the terms and nuances of the BDSM lifestyle. Be sure to read Chapters 1 through 5 in BDSM for Writers.

Before we move on to Rituals & Protocols, please feel free to ask any questions about the information provided above.  In the lessons to come, we will discuss: Training a Slave, Punishment & Corrective Measures, Humiliation Play, Fear Play, and Mind Fucks. We’ll spend some time discussing the BDSM for Writers Checklist I created specifically for authors to assist you in creating characters and scenes.

Feel free to ask questions and share your experiences. Be sure to ask any questions you may have based on the material covered thus far.

Send your assignment responses and comments to eCourse@doctorcharley.com

Your assignments, questions, and comments will be reviewed and responded to within normal business hours Monday through Friday. You do not need to wait for a response before moving on to the next lesson.

If you need immediate assistance, please feel free to contact me directly at the number listed below. I am available Monday thru Friday 1:00 to 9:00 p.m. EST.

 

Click here for the Lesson 2

 

 

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Copyright 2011 Dr. Charley Ferrer
All information in this eCourse is the intellectual property of Dr. Charley Ferrer. No portion of this eCourse can be used or forwarded to others without the expressed written permission from Dr. Charley Ferrer. This course contains excerpts from BDSM for Writers.