Choosing the Right Dominant

There are three simple steps to get started in finding the right

Dominant: know what you want, ask questions, check references!

(1) Know what you want: Before you start your search for a Dominant (whether male or female) it’s  essential to know what you are looking for. What is it you desire to share? Is it just play, occasional interactions, a Master/slave relationship, etc.? Make your Fonzie list (as I like to call a slave bowingit) of all you desire and want to share as well as the attributes you desire. This shows that you’re not just being another “kid in the candy store” but taking responsibility for yourself, your desires, and what your bring to your potential Dominant. Yes, these desires may change with time and experience; however, it’s always good to have a starting point—a foundation to build on.

Ensure that you’re looking for the right type of Dominant. If you’re new, you don’t want a Sadist even if your fantasies prompt you in that direction. smiles. Knowing the type of Dominant you desire will help avoid frustration on both sides. For instance: do you want a Daddy/Mommy Dom, a Sensual Dom, a Master, a Service oriented Dom or a Sadist? Each of these types of personalities brings something different to the Whip, so to speak. Knowing what you desire to share is the first step before ever starting your search for a compatible Dom/me.

(2) Ask Questions: Once you have an idea of the type of Dominant you seek, form a list of questions that you’d like to know about the Dominant and their character. What do they desire to share? What do they seek in a submissive/slave? How often will they wish interaction with you 1x week, 1x month? Do they have any other submissives/slaves already? etc. As with any relationship, communication is paramount–in a D/s relationship, it is essential.

(3) Check References: Talk to others in the Lifestyle about who you’re thinking of interacting with. Are they a safe and conscientious player? Ask their prior play partners or past slaves/submissives what they were like. (People sometimes show a different face in public then they do in private—find out what it is!) Watch your potential Dom/me in action. Pay attention to what I call the “eebbie jibbies” that you feel. A little trepidation and anxiety is expected when interacting with a new Dominant. However if you get major warning bells going off in your stomach or get the feeling “something’s just not right”, don’t play!

Though everyone loves to throw out the term SSC and that everyone should always play “Safe Sane and Consensual”, the truth is BDSM is also mired in RACK interactions. (RACK–Risk Awareness Consensual Kink). Therefore be responsible for your decisions to interact with another and keep yourself safe. Be consciously aware that there are risk involve in all types of D/s interactions whether physical or emotional ones. And know that things won’t always be “fun” and sometimes there will be a “bad scene”, that’s realism. Learn from it and avoid it or make it better in the future.

Always have your “safe person” back up when playing and use your “safety call”. Play publicly for the first 5-10 interactions. Yes, I know it’s wonderful to play privately as you can do so many more deliciously wicked things, however, playing publically or at private play parties will give you a good assessment of what the Dom/me is like as well as what you can expect from them in terms of Aftercare and follow-up.

If you’re new to the BDSM lifestyle, I also recommend reading BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH as it shares with you valuable information about the various personalities, both Dominant and submissive, that engage in BDSM activities and the ones to avoid. I’d love to tell you everyone in the D/s lifestyle is wonderful and honorable but there are jerks here as there are in the vanilla world. BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH also provides various ways to help you navigate and avoid many of the common mistakes and pitfalls present in the Lifestyles. Sorry is this seems like a shameless promotion for my new book, it’s really not. It’s just that this is the only book I know of (in the 15+ years I’ve been involved in the BDSM lifestyle) that actually gives you an unbiased look into Dominance and submission and provides helpful hints to navigate through its various emotional and physical levels.

I hope you find what you seek. And remember, just like Goldilocks, you’ll have to try a lot of different ones before you find the one that’s “just right” for you.


Dr. Charley Ferrer

Learn more about Dominance and submission read BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH

PS: To learn more about BDSM join us for BDSM WRITERS CON August in New York City. It’s for everyone interested in writing about and exploring the world of Dominance and submission.

Where fantasy and reality come together!

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