Lesson #6
Oh those deliciously wicked things we do!
Now that we’ve discussed the fundamentals and the psychological aspects of Dominance and submission, let’s put it all together to discover the emotional connections associated with all those deliciously wicked and sinfully erotic activities.
The essential thing to keep in mind when dealing with BDSM is to allow yourself to become what I like to call the Sensual Scientist. This is where you explore the mind—body connection. From the Dominant’s perspective it’s about allowing them to explore and derive sensual and sexual pleasure from what they do to their slave; thus exploring the physical and sexual aspects of control as well as pleasure and pain. From the submissive perspective, it’s about being of service and letting go of their inhibitions and fears in order to be vulnerable to and with another, surrendering all they are.
Here’s another way to look at the dynamics of a D/s relationship. Imagine for a moment that the dominant is the ocean and the submissive is a sail boat; what amazing things they will experience together as they take their journey. The various storms along the way. The amazing silence that brings peace to the soul. Even all the creatures they’ll discover along their path, both big and small—adventures both frightening and inspiring. Though it may not always be smooth sailing, it will be a new exploration of the core self each time as the individuals learn something new about themselves and each other.
Another thing to keep in mind is the feeling of vulnerability which the person experiences based on arm placement and their inability to move about. For example, having your arms tied behind your back will provide one sensation while having them tied over your head will bring another. It goes without saying that having a submissive’s arms tied behind their back and then incorporating their feet (like being hog-tied) will increase the submissive’s level of vulnerability. However, this position will interfere and limit which areas of the body will be available for the Dominant. For example, you wouldn’t be able to use the slave’s buttocks, yet their genital would be exposed.
Keep in mind that it’s not only the feelings and internal connections made which push the individual into subspace or Domspace, it’s viewing themselves in that position even imagining what onlookers might see which pushes them over the edge. Remember that the mind drives the body. It is the seduction and capture of the mind that will tumble the person into the mindset of surrender or dominance; even the seduction and enticement to accept more pain.
To give you a taste of what this feels like please play along with me for a moment and notice the different sensations you experience in each possibility I provide. Notice for yourself what feels comfortable, what feels threatening, what makes you sigh with boredom and what rives you up. Of course, your submissive doesn’t have to be physically tied. The ultimate surrender comes when the Dominant mentally bind the submissive, not needing ropes or restraints because the submissive knows that their surrender would please their Master/Mistress—thus in essence their desire to serve becomes the rope that binds them.
For each example, hold the position for at least two to three minutes. Use an hourglass or loud egg timer to keep track of time. This will help you get the psychological feel as well as the physical. Become the Sensual Scientist as you take notice of your heart rate, your breathing, whether you quickly jumped from one activity to the next or whether you lingered in one more so than the other. Is there anticipation? Excitement? Nervousness? Embarrassment? Notice for yourself if you enjoyed the position or if your mind was busy thinking of different things you could do or done in each position. This is just step one of all the various ways you can add to the mental and physical aspects of Dominance and submission and Power Exchange interactions.
Exercise #1
Stand up and place your hands at the small of your back. Right palm over left. Fingers flat. Thumbs touching. Press your shoulders back and stand up straight and proud. Your eyes should be straight ahead. If someone is standing before you, you should not make eye contact. Correct yourself every time you do. If you’re alone, place an object (like a statue) before you to represent a person; notice how often your eyes involuntarily drift to it.
Exercise #2
Place your hands behind your neck, pushing your elbows out so they are parallel to your shoulders. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Again use the eye contract restriction unless the other person instructs you to look at them. You may find that the eye contact restriction allows you to distance yourself a bit from the experience however making that eye contact could make you feel a bit giddy, nervous, shy, embarrassed, exhilarated, etc.
Exercise #3
Place your hands over your head, extending them upward as if they were tied to the ceiling, with your wrists together. Legs spread shoulder width apart. It’ll amaze you to realize that if you spread your feet another two to three inches apart, the feeling of vulnerability will increase. And yet, notice that nothing new has been added. You’re in the same position as before. Now close your eyes and let your head fall back. Don’t forget to breathe. (Something a Dominant is often reminding a submissive to do. Funny how they forget to do that. It’s a normal human habit to hold your breath when excited or in nervous anticipation.)
Now to up the anty:
If you originally perform these exercises alone, try them with someone instructing you to do them. Note the difference and the vulnerability factor associated with each. If you really want to get a gold star in your Sensual Scientist role, explore the difference between a man providing instructions as opposed to a woman providing them. You will notice the dynamics will shift. Take note of which activities you bucked against and which you accepted easily.
Once you’ve taken instruction (been the submissive), take control—be the Dominant! Have a friend or lover perform these tasks for you. Exploring both sides of these exercises will help you analyze the internal connections you feel.
Remember to notice your reactions. Your breathing. Your body. Are your hands sweating? Are you cold? Notice your thoughts even though you are just doing these simple exercises to get a feel for what you might experience with another. Are you finding yourself trying to distance yourself emotionally from the sensations of vulnerability? Are you telling yourself, “This is silly” or are you becoming excited allowing your mind to wonder what could happen next? Have you slipped into the Dominant role and started to think about all those deliciously wicked things you can do to another person in each position?
Give yourself permission to experience everything. Later you can analyze it and rehash all the nuances and reflect on all those feelings you experienced.
Even not feeling “anything” is significant!
This lesson plan includes excerpts from my book, BDSM The Naked Truth.
Reading Assignment:
Read Chapters 4 & 5
Feel free to ask questions and share your experiences. Be sure to ask any questions you may have based on the material covered thus far.
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