Lesson #3
Definitions and Personality Traits — Part II
This lesson covers definitions and personality traits. Understanding what things are called and how individuals identify themselves will help you when traversing the BDSM community. Understanding these definitions and personality traits will give you a peak into the emotional and psychological connections individuals make within the lifestyle and the relationships they form. This will also help you find your own path allowing you to navigate within the community.
Below I’ve provided in-depth definitions and covered as many of the nuances as possible related to creating your characters. I’ve focused primarily on the three main characters—Dominants, submissives, and switches. I’ve also focused on the more important definitions within the BDSM community that you need to be aware of. For more complete information and definitions, please read Chapter 3 of BDSM The Naked Truth.
In order to elaborate on the definitions and provide you with the psychological and emotional connections individuals make, I’ve broken down the personality traits each specific individual would exhibit based on:
* the various levels and psychological/emotion connections and identification,
* level of interactions and control they engage in and/or may morph into which makes each aspect/identification different.
Let’s Continue—Definitions & Personality Traits Part II
submissive:
The receiver. This individual is the other half of the D/s relationship. He or she follows the rules and is of service to the Dominant. The submissive role is not always sexual in nature. The submissive may be merely providing service to the Dominant in some manner. For example: house cleaner, computer expert services, preparing meals, etc.
It is the submissive’s duty to obey and adhere to the dictates of his/her Master/Mistress. The underlying premise is to be of service. As a submissive, they typically have more liberties than a slave. Whereas one of the major differences between a slave and a submissive is that the submissive is considered a “free” agent and can interact with whomever he or she chooses to until they become the property of another.
Though the submissive may not be used sexually, they may be used physically. There is a belief by some in the community that submissives are not as dedicated as a slave, however, that is an internal debate within the community and at times becomes a matter of internal dedication and semantics as well as level of surrender.
Another major distinction between a submissive and a slave is a submissive has rights and the ability to object to certain activities or requirements and can negotiate some aspects within their relationship—setting limits. Thus in essence the submissive has more liberties within the relationship than a slave.
The best vanilla analogy I can provide you with is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife. More is expected from one than the other and some rules can be broken and forgiven of a girlfriend (submissive) however they would lead to divorce if conducted by the wife (slave). Divorce being the equivalent of dismissal in a D/s relationship.
In written form it is common practice for a submissive to use a lower case “i” when referring to themselves as they consciously reinforce the decision to see themselves as belonging to another and taking a more submissive/subservient role. Also their name is never capitalized. A written example of this is: “Dear Master, i have completed all the tasks You asked of me. Respectfully, joshua.”
Please note, this submissive subservient role does not imply less value but merely a difference in their equality and roles within the relationship. Thus following the example previously given, a wife doesn’t hold less value in a marriage than a husband merely a different one.
Sub is the abbreviation of submissive.
slave:
These individuals can be either male or female. Their entire purpose is to “be of service” to their Master/Mistress and make their Dominant’s life simpler and happier. The slave gives up many of his “rights” (by choice) to allow the Master/Mistress to dictate their interactions and his responsibilities within the relationship. Typically slaves will have set protocols which they are required to maintain in public as well as in private. Transgressions are met with physical and/or emotional consequences.
The major difference between a slave and a submissive is their ability to deny their Master’s dictates. Whereas a submissive may have some say and “veto” privileges within the relationship and/or activity being performed (in the form of limits), a slave does not. Also when interacting in physical and/or sexual activities, the slave has no “rights” to deny what is done or required of him or her. The slave has the Limits their Master has given them.
Within the relationship, the slave has consciously given his/her agreement to participate in current and future “consensual non-consensual” activities and interactions with his/her Master and others designated by the Master/Mistress in either a physical or sexual nature thus becoming a slave in the true sense of the word.
It should be understood that though the slave is objectified at times, it is very well cared for and held in high esteem and deep affection, even loyalty, from the Master/Mistress. The Master takes his or her responsibility to the slave’s physical and emotional well being very seriously and will guard the slave against any harm.
The slave belongs to his or her Master/Mistress!
Typically though someone may consider themselves a slave, their true connection does not manifest itself until they belong and are in a relationship with their Master/Mistress/Dominant. At that point, the slave is no longer allowed to participate nor interact with anyone else without the expressed permission of their Master/Mistress and/or without the Master/Mistress being present during any interactions.
It should be understood that an individual may consider themselves a “slave” but have no Master/Mistress at the moment. The emotional and psychological make-up of a slave is vastly different than that of a submissive. We will address this psychological difference in a later chapter. However, the bottom line is that the fundamental psychological aspect of a slave is to give themselves without reservation because it is in their nature—their very core—to do so, to become enmeshed with their Master/Mistress completely taking their relationship to a deeper more spiritual level.
The proper etiquette for a slave when addressing himself is in the third person. For example: “Master, is it acceptable for Your slave to prepare Your bath?” Or it can follow the submissive’s format: “After i go to the grocery store i will clean Your home.”
Masochist:
A masochist is an individual who enjoys the more physical aspects of BDSM. He or she will engage in more physically demanding interactions and Edge Play activities. Masochists enjoy riding the waves of pleasure that pain produces in their body. For them, the pain they experience at the hand of their Master/Mistress is an intensely emotional connection as well as a higher level of surrender. Most masochists will not use a Safeword as they will allow their Mistress/Master to choose for them when the experience will be over. This level of surrender reinforces their interaction and is often their way of overcoming their fears of the activity or reaching a higher level of consciousness through the acceptance of pain. (This concept of achieving a spiritual connection with the self or another has been in many of our religious beliefs and a major component of Christianity; remember the common practice of Priests to reach divinity by self flagellation. Or the belief that to “suffer” is a way to reach God.)
A rare subgroup of men and women are what is sometimes called an Emotional Masochist. These individuals thrive on emotional pain and fear. Not all masochists are able to dabble in this realm.
Though most masochists are submissive or slave, it would be erroneous to classify them all as such. Some masochists have alpha personalities and are very dominant in their own right much like the sexual submissives. Thus, these masochists enjoy pitting themselves against their own fears using the Dominant as their catalyst for this purpose; others merely enjoy the endorphin rush they can experience through pain. There is also the ability, as mentioned before, of working through an “emotion—guilt, shame, etc” and using pain as the cleanser. In this instance, the masochist is using the Dominant as a gateway to overcoming or achieving his goal.
Some Dominants may have masochistic tendencies but not submissive ones as in a Sadomasochistic personality. This is someone who enjoys the edgier/darker aspects of being used physically and/or sexually however has no submissive desires. For example: The Dominant may enjoy feeling and giving pain however he/she would never kneel before a submissive and beg nor would they be of “service” to the submissive. These Sadomasochistic individuals may also enjoy allowing their submissive to feel empowered by engaging in rough sex however at the end of the day, it is the Dominant who will say how much and when this type of play is over. A deviously Sadomasochistic may even lovingly make their submissive pay for their rough treatment of their Master at a later time reinforcing the power dynamics.
A masochist is considered either a submissive or slave and treated accordingly. In writing they would use the lower case “i”.
Switch:
This individual incorporates various aspects of both a dominant and submissive personality. They enjoy both aspects of the Power Exchange though their personality typically falls more into one side of the spectrum than the other. Within the community, Switches aren’t always seen in a positive light and some believe them to be merely submissives wanting to dabble in Dominant ways or merely someone who wants to “play” at and is not serious about their lifestyle choices. However the other belief is that as a Switch they are able to experience both aspects of the lifestyle though not as intensely as those who identify as one role or the other. For example, you can sympathize with a woman about what it’s like to give birth, however, unless you experienced it, you can’t completely understand the emotional dynamics associated with it.
It’s not uncommon for someone new to the lifestyle to identify as a Switch as they are unsure where they belong. Many Switches start out/are considered Service Tops as they are performing a “service” for another individual and their relationship or dominance over that individual ends when the Scene is over. A Switch would never be considered a Master
Some men new to the BDSM lifestyle will identify as Switch since they feel guilt or shame associate with the stigma of being a submissive man in society. Submissive men often have to combat their own prejudices and those of their counterparts—Dominant men—who may look down upon them for their submission and not consider them “macho” enough. Also, it should be understood that some straight men will accept control and offer service to Dominant men limiting their interactions to physical interactions and not sexual ones.
As for written etiquette, Switches follow common capitalization sentence structure although they can choose their own preference. Though I’ve often seen them use the lower case “i” when referring to themselves; thus, internally identifying as a submissive.
Sexual submissive:
Though not all submissives or slaves are used sexually, the sexual submissive’s primary purpose is sexual interactions and sexual use by his/her Mistress/Master. However, whereas a submissive will defer the leadership role to their Dominant or be subservient to his/her Master/Mistress in all areas of the relationship, this rule/dynamic is not true of the sexual submissive.
The sexual submissive is typically very dominant in his/her own right and often has an alpha personality in all areas of their lives and only relinquishes control in sexual matters and within “the bedroom”. Outside the amorous interactions, this individual is very opinionated and focused in what they want and will share with their partner and within their relationship.
The sexual submissive may also have very high masochistic tendencies yet again, not necessarily submissive one’s outside the sexual realm. The easiest example I can provide of this is the general who goes out and leads his men into battle than gladly surrenders to his lover. Once again taking control of his life after that particular interaction is over. He/she can allow their lover/partner to take the lead in the relationship however theirs will be more of an equalitarian union that the typical D/s relationship.
As you can see, the psychological make-up of individuals in the BDSM and D/s lifestyle is complicated and unique. I hope that as you create your characters, you will breathe this uniqueness into them.
Assignment:
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