eCourse – BDSM Introduction — Lesson #2

Lesson #2
Definitions and Personality Traits

In order to navigate the vast ocean and intricate depths of the BDSM lifestyle you need to have a basic comprehension of its rules, participants, boundaries, and yes, even all those fun erotic toys and props/implements used and incorporated in the deliciously erotic sensual interactions. Though I cannot cover every aspects of the lifestyle in this eCourse, I will provide you with the major ones. These definitions and personality traits will assist you in building your understanding in this community.

Please keep in mind that the various roles are interchangeable and can pertain to either a man or a woman, unless they are gender specific such as in the Daddy or Mommy roles. Some characteristic are interchangeable, as in the case of Switches and masochists, as these individuals incorporate more than one aspect of these characteristics in their fundamental core make-up.

You will notice that I tend to refer to men as the submissive in many of my examples. This is based on my own personal preferences and identification as a Dominant woman. I will try to ensure to vary the roles. However, feel free to change the pronouns around to suit your characters.

It’s imperative to remember that the dynamics of Dominant/ Master/Mistress and submissive/slave applies to both heterosexual couples as well as same sex couples. Not all interactions are based on sexual activities. In fact, some are service based only and there is no sexual and at times, no physical contact. It’s also not uncommon for a heterosexual Dominant to own a gay/lesbian slave/submissive.

This lesson covers definitions and personality traits. Understanding what things are called and how individuals identify themselves will help you when traversing the BDSM community. Familiarizing yourself with these definitions and personality traits will give you a peak into the emotional and psychological connections individuals make within the lifestyle and the relationships they form. This will assist you to find your own path allowing you to navigate within the community.

In Lessons 2 and 3, I’ve focused primarily on the three main characters—Dominants, submissives, and switches. I’ve also focused on the more important definitions within the BDSM community that you need to be aware of.

In order to elaborate on the definitions and provide you with the psychological and emotional connections individuals make, I’ve broken down the personality traits each specific individual would exhibit based on:

* the various levels and psychological/emotion connections and identification,

* level of interactions and control they engage in and/or may morph into which makes each aspect/identification different.

Let’s Begin—Definitions & Personality Traits

Vanilla:
Vanilla is the term given to anyone who is not in the BDSM lifestyle. Everyone starts out as vanilla. Then your beans are crushed as you learn and explore and perhaps even embrace whatever amazing facets of emotional and erotic desires feel comfortable for you.

Power Exchange:
The Power Exchange is at the heart of all the interactions shared. This is the fundamental core of the relationship whether from an emotional or physical perspective which two individuals engage in—one giving the other receiving. The Power Exchange can be physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual or merely service oriented. The actual levels of surrender and control/dominance will vary depending on the individuals and what they desire to share with each other and to what degree.

Scene:
This is the name given to the actual interaction between the Dominant and the submissive which is constructed with a specific thought and outcome in mind. A Scene may be elaborate and incorporate various protocols and/or rituals as well as assistance or participation from other parties. It can incorporate various erotic objects to elicit sensations or be sexual in nature or merely emotional. Then again, a scene may be only based on service and not incorporate any sexual overtures. The Scene is whatever the Dominant desires it to be, changing with his/her mood and/or the submissive’s response. A Scene can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours—even a few days.

Play:
The activities shared by two individuals whether Dominant or submissive is often called Play regardless of the actual activity. Thus, Play can be a Flogging, Whipping, using Candle Wax, etc. Play is often not really “play” but merely two individual’s sharing and enjoying themselves. It is more carefree and non-restrictive, depending on the individuals involved. A Play Date is always fun! When the individuals are engaging in more serious interactions, it is called a scene.

Service:
When a submissive or slave is in “service”, they are performing a particular activity for the Dominant or their Master/Mistress. Service can be physical or sexual in nature. Service can be anything from a foot massage to cleaning the Dominant’s house, or it can be a function the slave/submissive performs such as running errands. At times, a particular service has accompanying protocols and/or rituals associated with it. This is all determined before hand by the Dominant.

A Collar:
Though wearing a collar has become a popular accessory worn by teenagers and those into Goth as well as the vanilla public at large, actual collars are a sacred part of the Dominance and submission (D/s) and Master/slave (M/s) relationships. A collar signifies ownership and acceptance. Nowadays with everyone going out and purchasing their own collar, it’s hard to determine who’s a “free” submissive/slave and who’s owned. Typically a locked collar means the submissive/slave is Owned. You’ll see a lock on the back of a collar or you’ll see a tag handing from the loop in the front of the collar which might state, “Property of…”

The color of a collar also holds significance. The Old Guard had many rules concerning color of the collar and levels of service. For example, a light blue collar signifies the person is in-training and under consideration of someone. Therefore, that person is not available for interactions and if you wish to interact with them, you must go through the Dominant/Master that hold’s their leash—the individual the submissive is under consideration with. It is not acceptable in the community to touch anyone that is collared or under consideration/in-training without obtaining permission first.

Black collars used to signify the individual was free and available but over time it become the standard color of choice for the community and both free and owned submissives/slaves use it. Gold and silver collars imply ownership and a permanent relationship. Although not all permanent Master/slave relationships are denoted by these colors. Some Masters/Dominants/Mistress’ will have a collar specially made.

Dominant:
The Giver. This individual is in charge of the relationship. He or She sets the rules, safeguards their partner, administers training and correction as She/He deems appropriate and desirous in their personal relationship. The Dominant also dictates and administers punishment for any violations of the rules and/or transgressions the submissive may be guilty of. He or She is entrusted with the emotional and physical safety of the individual He/She interacts with. The Dominant is responsible for establishing and reinforcing the protocols of the relationship. Dominants have an alpha personality and are used to being in charge both at work and within the relationship. However you don’t need to be in a management position at work to qualify as a Dominant.

Ironically, most dominant males at work are actually submissive at their core and more service oriented women—at work—are dominant at their core. I think this dichotomy shows our societal work norms.

A female Dominant is often called Mistress unless she chooses another title for herself such as Ma’m, Lady So-and-so, Owner, Master, Goddess, etc. Some Dominants merely use their first name. It is a personal choice. When interacting with their Dominant, the slave/submissive will use Ma’m or Sir as honorifics.

There is a small percentage of women who use the title Master instead of Mistress. Personally, I do not like the name Mistress as there is a negative subconscious connection to the word. Also, there is the expectation by some males of sexual favors owed to them and/or the female Dominant having lesser value than the male Dominant. There is also the subconscious belief by some men and women entering the BDSM community that a Dominant woman is nothing more than a pseudo-professional Dominatrix and considered little more than a prostitute as “She is there to serve the submissive”—in essence giving him a “free” BDSM session.

Most romance novels, if not practically all, designate the woman as Mistress or have her slave call her by her given name such as Mistress Stephanie. It’s your story. You choose what you wish to have Her called and by whom.

Proper etiquette dictates that the Dominant is always shown respect even in written form by capitalizing their title (Master/Mistress) and their pronoun. For example: using a capital “M” for Master/Mistress anywhere it appears in the sentence and capitalizing any pronouns which relate to the Dominant such as the “Y” in you when the submissive is referring to them. A written example is: “The chores You requested were performed, Mistress.”

The abbreviated version of Dominant is Dom for men and Domme for women.

Master:
These individuals can be either male or female in gender. The level of control and commitment required from their partner is the key in these relationships. Masters tend to be more disciplined and structured than Dominants. There is a higher level of intensity and mastery associate in these relationships. Also there are standard and individualized protocols and etiquette which dictate the interactions of a Master and His/Her slave. It is more common for a Master to have several slaves dedicated to various tasks in the Master’s home or life than it is a Dominant. Also a Dominant and submissive relationship tend to be more couple based; however there are many Polyamorous households who practice Dominance/submissive principles.

There are also separate community and educational functions specifically geared toward the dynamics of Master/slave relationships which are focused on the development of the Master and of the slave as opposed to the typical BDSM events and community Play Parties. There is also a belief within the community that as you grow in maturity and desire for higher levels of interactions with your submissive, you move from the introduction of BDSM and mere “play” phase, into a Dominant/submissive relationships, and ultimately to a Master/slave relationships.

Although not all D/s relationships move into the more restrictive aspects of Master/slave relationships, even after years of cohesive and positive loving interactions. However if they do, they still may not consider themselves in a Master/slave relationship. The beauty of BDSM is its ambiguous definition thus leaving it to the specific individual couple to create the relationship that works best for them.

Sadist:
Unlike Dominants and Masters, a Sadist is not necessarily interested in the D/s dynamics of the relationship and may have a more equalitarian interaction and relationship with their slave or submissive. Then again they may be even stricter in their rules, protocols and requirements. Regardless, the Sadist is nonetheless in charge of the relationship and the Master of it!

The Sadist enjoys pushing the limits and taking the submissive/slave on a journey of physical, emotional, psychological and/or sexual exploration. The Sadist will often engage in more advanced levels of emotional and physical interactions such as Edge Play. Where a typical Sadist will push against physical limits and endurance, an Emotional Sadist will push against the slave’s fears and emotional issues thriving on Fear Play and Mind Fucks which are the bases of psychological play.

It should be clearly understood that the Sadist is not attempting to injure the submissive/slave in any way yet is merely interacting at a level others may fear to tread. Also the Sadist, at times, will push His/Her own limits when interacting with a slave at various levels and may be emotionally affected by the same. (Think advance statistical evasive Ranger training and/or Special Force psychological training for a somewhat vanilla comparison.)

The Sadist in these interactions is NOT interacting in a pathological manner! (What I call a “criminal sadist”.) There is never an intention to injure the submissive merely to share a part of themselves’, often what they feel is a sacred part of themselves, with another.

Sadists are typically very discerning and selective in their choice of individuals whom they will interact with and to what level. Sadists are extremely committed to the safety and well being of those they interact with. Yes, there are some that aren’t; however, there are idiots and dishonorable individuals in all walks of life. As I mentioned before, in these interactions, there is no pathological behavior as there is no malice intended!

I find Sadists to be more loving and solicitous of their slaves, especially after an intense Scene, ensuring the slave’s physical and emotional well being.

The best vanilla analogy I can use to help you distinguish the difference between a Sadist and a Dominant is: A Dominant needs a “reason” to discipline and punish their submissive/slave—a Sadist merely needs a place.

This Lesson is split into two parts. We will continue with further information in Lesson 3.

Please be sure to read the Chapters assigned below as the book goes in-depth into the material we are covering here and will be an excellent resource for you.

Reading Assignment:
Please read Chapters 3, 4, and 5 in BDSM The Naked Truth by
Dr. Charley Ferrer

Please feel free to ask any questions based on the material covered thus far.

Send your assignment responses and comments to eCourse@doctorcharley.com

Your assignments, questions, and comments will be responded to  during normal business hours Monday through Friday.You do not need to wait for a response before continuing on to the next lesson.

If you need immediate assistance, please feel free to contact me directly at the number listed below. I am available Monday through Friday 1:00 to 9:00 p.m. EST.

Click here to go to Lesson #3

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Copyright 2011 Dr. Charley Ferrer
All information in this eCourse is the intellectual property of Dr. Charley Ferrer. No portion of this eCourse can be used or forwarded to others without the expressed written permission of Dr. Charley Ferrer. Any questions should be directed to Dr. Charley Ferrer at doctorcharley@doctorcharley.com.